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charliegay

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Why is finding a serious relationship so hard in the gay community?

At least for gay men?

I`ve been in only 1 relationship that lasted three 1/2 years, but(!) since then I`ve dated quite a few guys & it seems that most of them are either looking only for sex, all about sex, only looking for a certain race/ethnicity/stereotype, or not ready for a relationship (distance, travel, money, lack of transportation, immature). Why is that?

I`m considerably a mature 22 yrs old guy, open to different races (though I prefer white, latinos, & mixed), very considerate & kind, yet It`s so hard to find a decent gay guy close to my age (20 to 25) that is relationship material & doesn`t have issues. I make it clear when I date what I`m looking for, & I`m not unreasonable with my standards. At first I thought it was me but(!) I`m seeing that most gay guys really aren`t relationship material or even dating material. Older gay men are the exact same way if not worse since they see younger men as toys. They`re no more mature than those our age.

What can I do? the bottom 3 answers are amazingly stupid (the ones from homophobic Christians/religious types). Wow.

746 day ago

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Caelan32 		You have the age old question, young man! I realize that my answer may sound a bit trite, but when I was your age, I was asking the same question. I am now 32 and after much perseverance and even some searching, I did finally meet other gay men who wanted a serious relationship and who were not all about just sex and were ready for a relationship. My advice is to persevere. Sometimes it seems hopeless and it did for me at times. However, statistically speaking, there are definitely other gay men out there who want what you do. It is just a matter of finding them, meeting them and seeing if it clicks. Now you ask - how do I find them?

One of my friends once told me that some gay men give up on finding true love and become jaded. If all of those gay men decide to give up and never try, then it decreases the population from which you have the opportunity to meet. I decided not to be one of those gay men. It sounds cliche, but I really did have to kiss a lot of frogs before meeting a prince. Sometimes the ones you think are princes turn out to be frogs. However, do not give up - keep the faith that you will meet someone that wants what you do. I do believe that sometimes when you are not looking, it just happens too.

Hope this helps...feel free to write back a response with any commentary.

Posted 499 days ago

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twinklover 		The angels. has given you great answer; I just want to add that a lot of straight women have the same complaints about men. so may be this is just a universal problem. It`s worth remembering that often we are unconsciously precisely drawn to people who will repeat all the things we *consciously* are trying to avoid.

I know quite few gay men in long term relationships, but(!) - like straight men in LTRs - they tend to be a bit older; In general, their partner is much same age as themselves (within 5 years or so);

I agree with angels; that being clear what you`re looking for & being convinced you`re not unreasonable might be indicating the area of problem. It doesn`t quite sound as if you`re OPEN to relationship, more that you already have a fixed idea, & are annoyed with people for failing to meet it. Perhaps relaxing a bit & just easing off on certainty might bring more possibilities

Posted 746 days ago

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jimmygay 		Whenever I encounter straight men making similar complaints about women, what usually emerges is that they are being very picky about who they consider to be worth dating. In short, they`re making generalizations about *all* women, or all women their age, when they`ve actually limited their data sample to a very select few, most often those have been deemed `attractive` by current conventions & have to deal with, at a young age, the bizarre cult of beauty our society has invented.

You`re doing some of that yourself. Older gay men who are looking for relationships aren`t going to be dating 22 year old guys; I`ve always looked much younger than I am, so I`ve gotten to experience some of that myself. Older straight men who are interested in dating women they think of as being in their 20s are sometimes bit creepy. & of course the young men in their 20s are aghast when they find out my real age. %-)

Look at what you`re saying -- & how you`re saying it -- when you `make it clear what you`re looking for`; Being faced with a laundry list of criteria early on tends to make people feel a bit apprehensive. & if you think you won`t measure up, often it`s easier emotionally to just move on before you get too involved;

So put yourself on the other side of that conversation & imagine what it would feel like if you experienced whatever it is you say & do. Look also at who you`re including in your data sample & who you`re excluding, perhaps without being aware of it;

And everyone has issues. No 1 is perfect. Learning to love someone means accepting all of that

Posted 746 days ago

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bobdilan 		i didn`t want to answer this, but(!) to make tings clearer, I`m not gay or bi. so I just think it is because when people say tht htey are gay, they might feel it, but(!) deep down inside, your not; God didn`t make humans to be gay. that`s all I guess I want to say. I don`t want to make you feel bad or make myself seem against being kind to gay or watever. hope this sinks into your mind. down, down

Posted 746 days ago

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bobdilan 		I`d say that it seems harder in the `gay community` than `straight community` because straight people have been socialized to use serious relationships as the main way of expressing their sexuality. They probably feel more ritual-bound to enter into a serious relationship. It`s practically expected of them; We, on the other hand, get more practice being on the down low. When we enter into a serious & public relationship, It`s a bigger deal.

The beauty of this theory is that the dichotomy between heteros & us will fade in time. the more open the `gay community` becomes, the easier it will be for us to enter into relationships

Posted 746 days ago

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jimmygay 		A lot of straight guys & girls are same way (only looking for sex). It happens everywhere.

cheers
Ed

Posted 746 days ago

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mensexonly 		@Danny, that`s not true at all.

It`s a common misconception that all gay people just want sex; They want to feel loved -- everyone wants to feel loved

Posted 746 days ago

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torogay 		its hard beause in the gay community no 1 is faithful It`s more about lust than love

Posted 746 days ago

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torogay 		Either keep trying or take a break from the effort. may be you shouldn`t assume that you are completely reasonable on every point. Also, it may be a problem of not meeting right kind of guys. Where are you looking? I`ve had three LTRs & I only met 1 of them in a club

Posted 746 days ago

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gaynudist 		Its hard because in the gay community, It`s all about lust. sorry.

you should try being straight. then you`ll find love & a relationship that lasts

Posted 746 days ago

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