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How do I deal with being gay, & having social anxiety disorder without going absolutely loosing my mind?

***(Serious Answers Please)*** Hello, well that just sums up a little bit about how I am feeling nowadays. I just finished my bachelor degree in GIS & will probably getting a job in 65 miles from where I live in the midwest; I am gay, in the closet, have little to no friend, & yes social anxiety disorder. You might think well this guy is weird & he doesn`t fit into society. Wrong. I was well liked my my peers in class. Alot of people liked me & they seemed to enjoy my company. the only problem is that I aways feel out of place everywhere I go. I feel depressed, upset, & suffer social anxiety disorder; I can make `small talk` but(!) that is about it; If I start to make a friend I just sabotage it. 1 guy I meet in school seemed interested in getting to know more about me & I just shyed away. Why is that I don`t know? After high school that is always what I seemed to do was to shy away.

When I was in high school I was labeled as the shyest guy in my grade along with another girl; Little did people know but(!) I was also gay & am still having a difficult time dealing with it. I don`t know how to release my emotions because I have so many. I almost feel like exploding myself I get so angry that my life has turned out way that it has. Why am I gay, in the closet, can`t make & keep friends, & why do I have to have this anxiety disorder which makes things all the worse?

They say god has a purpose for all of in life but(!) I still don`t understand what my destiny is; If I do this job how will I fit in, will I function ok with others? On top of that I will have to travel with this job & I already have social anxiety disorder & the taught of me siting in car with a coworker for 5 hours makes me want to not even except the position that is how awkward I feel around other people. I just can`t make conversation with people without asking questions about them & then either shying away or annoying them;

No doubt that I have attained this disorder from my father who is very very mentally ill. All my life I can`t remember him ever having a friend. My mother & father just recently divorced for reasons like him never leaving house. I really don`t want to term out like him; I really can`t understand how me being gay fits into this picture.

The only people I ever feel comfortable around are women or men & women who are much older than I am. the seem less judgmental, wise, & kind as opposed to peers who seem to be more judgmental.

If I get this job what should I do? With social anxiety, my secret (being gay), & being a very anxious person I really don`t know if I could fit into the people who work there; I just really feel socially incompetent, shy, & lack the communication skills that may be necessary for the position. the job is computer map making which I love but(!) I`m afraid about training etc. because it will require communication; Plus what if they start asking about me personally; that is what brings me to edge. What do you want to know about me (in very anxious state of mind)? I want only those I trust to know that I am gay but(!) I don`t know who I can trust. I don`t know how to make & `be a friend` is also a problem of mine.

Another note; Why after 23 years have I not come out of the closet? I just feel so alone & ashamed of my sexuality. I really feel I am all alone because as you read this you think ok I`m just like you, I`m gay as well; Not really; You might be gay but(!) you don`t have social anxiety disorder. I just feel very angry that god has made me this way. My mom never has asked me if I am gay & I really don`t know how to tell her; She can become very critical when I speak to her & I don`t really know how to come out in first place. As I get older it seems more & more difficult to come out of closet yet even more difficult to live a life of lie; I can`t talk to people & be `rea` because of this secret. You hear about Ricky Martin & all other people coming out & still waiting for your day to `shine; ` Sometimes I feel that my `shine` is never going to happen. If I do come out do you think things will get better for me, I really feel very very broken in my life with all of extreme loneliness & want change or no life at all? I really just don`t know what to do with my life, can you provide some assistance? Thank you ***(Serious Answers Please)***

747 day ago

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Answers (12)

gaykerk 		These are questions 1 or both of your parents should be answering;

A good friend in you life right now is not your solution because your many issues would soon overwhelm them & possibly drive them away.

Please seek mental health counselor & tell them you`re suffering from low self esteem & depression. Even if you have no other choice than free clinic, you can trust a mental health provider to treat you with kindness & confidentiality; What you describe about yourself are serious issues that must be addressed by someone knowledgeable in that area. Peruse state government pages of your phone book or simply `google` for doctors & services in your area. Don`t be afraid to phone them they deal with similar problems every day. Seriously consider taking an antidepressant at first to calm you & allow you to organize your priorities as well as eliminate feelings of hopelessness. I sincerely hope you find the help you need & the friendships that will come afterward

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torogay 		Damn son you typed a lot. nobody reads it when It`s this long

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gaynudist 		some people will say that you are thinking too much about it or making it out to be more serious then what it is but(!) those people have not gone through what you`re going. I can make small talk but(!) don`t really like talking to strangers or making new friends; I would say that you have it a little better than me because you actually are gay; I`m not gay & people think I am because of the way I walk. No relative has said anything to my face but(!) I know they`re thinking it because when I go to public places like the mall or buying groceries there`s always somebody `whispering` to someone else that I walk like homo. I have been going through this since I graduated high school in 2007, so I know for the most part what you`re going through; If I were you I would move to San Francisco, as I`ve heard that`s gay capitol of the u; s. & people are more accepting of gay people; If you don`t want to move then make friends with some women preferably around your age or a little older & early in the friendship just mention that you`re gay. Mention it as if it were no big deal; If they react positively then you`re set, you then would have a new friend that is accepting of your sexuality. I wish I could help you more, I wish this world wasn`t the way it is but(!) that`s just way it is. If you want to email me for any advice feel free to do so

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gopbol 		woah, I got a lot of those same problems; social anxiety, gay, no friends. I`m still in high school & still that way; I`m trying various things to help myself, but(!) I`m not sure if It`s working yet; You gotta make conversation I`ve realized, doesn`t matter what about, make stuff up if You got to, just tell people about urself & don`t put utself down, make urself appear cool & confident & eventually You will be; I`m trying that 1 out, just started it tho, so I dunno if it will work; seems like it will be harder than it really sounds. id ont know how to initiate conversation, so I`m waiting for someone to come & talk to me, but(!) problem is I`m ugly & emo looking so know 1 even tries to get to know me; I got a few people I talk to at school in few classes so I`m trying to re amp my image to them. not sure if I can tho

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twinklover 		I am a lot like you. I am also 23 & about to graduate with my bachelors degree, only mine is in cellular biology; I too carried my secret (about not being straight) for a very long time. Like you I never had very many friends, & even when I did I usually did not have anyone I was really close too. I got along great with people in class & in daily interactions, but(!) outside of classroom interactions I really did not have anyone to hang out with; Much of this is because I was afraid to open up to people. I had constructed these “walls” around myself that would shut people off & if they got too close to breaking them down I would often distance myself from them. I was afraid they would discover my secret once they started to get to know me better; I was lonely though & 2 years ago I decided I would be more open & make an effort to make friends. I also got a job on campus working in lab; the interaction with other students on a constant basis lead to some of best friendships I have ever had. (That is why your job is probably going to be really good thing for you). I of course did not tell them my secret. I had planned on dying with it. I hate not being straight. I really hate it & really wish I could change it. I don’t have anything against anyone who is open about it, but(!) if I had a choice I would not have chosen to be this way. Recently the hate for myself made me depressed. I tried to hide it from my friends, but(!) they noticed that something was wrong. I had 1 friend who would always ask me what was wrong & I’d tell him “I just can’t focus anymore”. He would ask why & I’d tell him “I just have a lot of crap in my head. ” Little did he know that it was because I was tired of living with this secret. Last Friday, yes just last Friday, I was felling really crappy & with more people opening up to me & starting to be more friendly I thought that surely they must have figured it out & secretly be making fun of me. That day I got a call from couple of friends who were concerned asking if I was ok; 1 of them I don’t even hang out with outside of school unless we are in study group. That day I decided to come out to my closest friend (the 1 who had been asking me for a while what was wrong). Before he left campus I met up with him, heart racing, & gave him the letter that I had written three months earlier. I had just written it to relieve some of the stress on a night when I felt I would “explode” from not being able to contain my secret anymore; I had not actually planned on giving it to him. the letter explained everything. It did not take him long, probably only 30 minutes, before he text back saying it was “OK”; He told me that he still wanted to be friends & that I was actually perceived as being straight by my peers (he is 100% straight by the way). That relieved my fear of people knowing. He also said that nothing had changed in his mind; So far nothing has changed. We are still as good of friends as we were before; I can’t say that I experienced this great relief that people talk about once they have come out to someone, but(!) I have been able to focus little better knowing that someone else knows & still accepts me; Am I planning on telling more people? Haha I don’t know about that, but(!) for now I am ok with everything; Good luck with your job; Try & make friends with your co-workers; If they start to pry just tell them that’s personal & they will back off. I knew person I told for a little over year. I too did not know “how to be a friend”; Just start talking to people & those that want to be your friend will take the necessary steps & will lead by example. They will usually offer/ invite you to stuff even before you invite them to do something. As for coming out to your mom…I would first make a friend & if you feel comfortable enough with them, then you can eventually tell them. Unless your mom is open to it I would wait; I personally don’t think I could ever tell my parents; They are so conservative; Oh & try not to focus on the “why” me factor. I am starting to realize that as long as you keep trying & making positive steps things will work out. If you want you can email or add me to your contacts etc if have any more questions. Good luck

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charliegay 		Stop thinking such deep thoughts & don`t generalize so much; At 23, it`s too soon to say `I am this` or `I have that` because you`re still maturing. Start now with the habit of breaking your problems into manageable chunks, & deal with them 1 at a time, in concrete positive way.

The best way to make conversation with other people when you`re feeling shy is too be a `creative listener`. Let them do the talking, & respond with follow-up questions. `Then what happened?` `how did you feel about that?` etc. Or say, `I know, I`ve had the same feeling sometimes. ` Establish a rapport with them based on THEIR interests & THEIR ideas. I guarantee that will work, because everybody loves to talk about themselves.

As for coming out of closet, let me tell you that once you`ve done it, your life will be lot easier. You won`f feel like you have a huge weight on your shoulders all the time;

But you don`t have to do it all at once. Come out to your close friends first, then may be to some other people you know; Don`t come out at work until you feel confident that it`s a safe thing to do. Family usually comes last.

And when you get to the new city, dip your toe in waters of the gay social scene gradually. Find out where the local gay bar is, & go there early on a weeknight or Sunday afternoon; Don`t put pressure on yourself right away to hook up with somebody. Just have conversations & get to know people. People in the midwest are very friendly, & at a gay bar at least you`ll have plenty to talk about

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jimmygay 		First of all I want to tell you you`re certainly not alone! I`m a fellow Midwesterner too, 22 years old & just leaving college as well; I`ve also dealt with social anxiety disorder too. I`ve been in therapy & on anti-depressants for little over year. Before I started, I was always against `shrinks` & meds but(!) it`s really helped calm me down. & now I`m even started to lower my dosage & trying to get off the pills;

As bad as this may seem, sometimes it`s good to get away once & while. This new job could be just the thing for you. It seems like you`ve been closeted because you`re afraid to be yourself; a lot of the Midwest is very old-fashioned & isn`t an accepting place for gays. I`ve been closeted for long time & still am partially closeted. My friends at college know I`m gay but(!) I`m still afraid to face my friends & family back in my hometown since I know they won`t understand. but(!) I`m not a child anymore, it`s my life & this is who I am. I can`t change the fact I`m gay;

Really, I think first step you need to do is accept the fact you`re gay; I get where your loneliness & self doubt is coming from. It took me years to get over it. It helped once I learned I can`t change anything. Also, talking with my therapist or even people online (such as AskGayMen answers) really helped since I`m obviously not talking with my closest friends & family about it. Actually, online gay & lesbian forums may be better for you to relate since my therapist isn`t gay & didn`t know first-hand what I was going through. Hell of a lot cheaper too ;)

Be sure to give yourself a chance; I know that social anxiety disorders does create a inferiority complex within yourself & I can sense that from your post; I`ll admit I`m guilty of it too. but(!) I don`t even know you & I can tell you`re a good guy just from reading what you wrote. I`m sure others will see same thing too :)

Feel free to email me if there`s anything you ever want to talk about

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gaykerk 		how about you chillaxxx

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jimmygay 		If you want to come out of the closet, first start telling women, or the older women & men that you are comfortable with; Then, just start making friends. As for your social anxiety disorder, you should try talking to a counselor or take antidepressants; After 23 years, you haven`t come out of the closet because you feel you never met anyone that actually truly understands & knows you; You shouldn`t feel ashamed that you are gay.
Try to learn to trust people, first the people you already somewhat trust, then everyone else. Don`t shy away every time someone gets close to you. Try to accept them into your life & realize that almost everyone in entire world has problems they`re not comfortable sharing. I can`t say I feel same because I don`t have that disorder but(!) I somewhat understand; I`ve always felt I don`t fit in anywhere, not with my friends, family, or the entire world. Go to counselor that an help you understand yourself & understand how to get through this problem.
If you`d like, I wouldn`t mind talking to you more so you can e-mail me if you want;
My e-mail is darkfire7995@yahoo. com
There`s nothing to really worry about because we may never actually meet in life so if you`d like, we can talk to each other about problems we have & may be get through them

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gopbol 		Im not reading all that, but(!) from your main question here is the answer.
I eventually just got over it, & I started letting myself be gay b/c that`s who I am; and it`s a great feeling

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gaynudist 		honestly You should try & open up urself a bit more; I think that You are problem is not talking about You are feelings to other people. that`s why You feel that way. You have so much to say; so I think that if You focus. You could actually express urself & keep a conversation. You say that You can only make small talks. but(!) look at all that You wrote!

my suggestion would be; try & go out more often with friends -maybe guys You went to college with, or You are new coworker-. don`t tlak about anything too personal; if there`s anything that You don`t feel comfortable talking about. tell them You don`t feel comfortable tlaking about that. & try hanging out with them more & more & more; & when You feel like 1 or sojme or all of them; are people that You can be friends with & that You enjoy being with them. then You can talk to them about personal things. like how You feel right now. about You are anxiety & even about being gay. You don`t have to do it right away. but(!) the best way is by starting talking about stuff You enjoy. try getting to hang out with guys, girls, men, women. that You can share some of You are interests with.

if You need to chat with some1. I can be You are online pal; send me an e-mail if You want :D

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jimmygay 		I am gay & had most severe form of Social Anxiety Disorder my doctor has ever seen before. I couldn`t even go to school sometimes & I would wait till everyone left hallways for me to leave after last period of school. It was just horrible. I barely could make friends & keep them too. I also was in closet.

but. I was also overweight, I wore bland walmart clothes all the time, never styled my hair in any way; I basically looked like some shy, in-the-closet, loser. lol! being gay even made it 50 times worse;

So then, I started working out; I lost about 40-50 pounds & now I`m skinny. I styled my hair instead of just leaving it bland & gross looking. even though I already had great hygeine, I started to care even more about it. also, I started wearing name brand clothes that I loved but(!) didn`t want to spend so much money on, like Hollister, Aeropostale, etc. I bought a lot of that.

then, (even though I`m gay), lots of girls started flirting with me, ALL the time, & right then I knew that I wasn`t as bad as I thought I was. I gained more confidence.
and don`t get me wrong; at first, I had REALLY big head, but(!) now, I`m just laid back, but(!) yet I still have confidence.
So I started to make friends & I kept them for long time after that. I started to feel more comfortable talking about stuff with anyone;
OH & now I`m out the closet because I have more confidence; It did take some time though.

The only advice I have for you is: REINVENT YOURSELF! Do every single thing you can to make yourself look GOOD, & HOT; LOL; It works!
But don`t be a poser about it, don`t become emo or scene, just be your own style, while at the same time having nice clothes, nice hair, etc etc!

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